i am so depressed
i am so fucking depressed. and i just don't even know what to do about it. it is things like no job, my weight and my age. ok, two i can do something about, but one i can't. and i am not happy about it.
i am dieting and have lost 9 pounds. that is a good thing. but, what for? cyn is 100 pounds lighter than i am and she has back problems, so what the fuck makes me think that if i lose the weight i will be all physically good again.
shari is dictating my journal entry now.
my knees are bad, i have trouble getting up and down to low seats (couch, toilet!) my skin has little or no elasticity left, i can't afford reconstructive surgery, i want a man, but don't think i can score one the way i am now and, really, by the time i lose the weight i want to lose, who will be available to me or want me?
30 did not hit me hard. 27.5 was the shits. and here i am again, 20 years later, at 47.5 and 50 is just looming over me and taunting me! it is so depressing.
and add to that the fact that i am 47.5 and hae nothing to speak of. no home, no kids, no love, no career, no savings, no nothing. the age is not my fault, but the rest of it most certainly IS.
i will probably be getting my divorce decree this month. and that fuck wad is on my mind a lot. i am still mad. i am. i wish i weren't. i should not be. i was so done with his bullshit, lying, cheating, avoiding... but i am still mad. i should give myself credit for being the one to leave, he wasn't going to kick me out. so i made the decision, but i guess i am mad because he pushed me into it. i did it in response to his shit.
i have so many memories. so much wasted time and emotion. both of those are my fault. but i have not learned from my mistakes. is it too late? why is change of this nature so fucking hard? i want to call him and tell him off again. but to what end? none. he does not care. he probably never did. and his life is what he has made it just as mine is. i hope his shit catches up with him someday. i hope mine already has, because i don't know if i could take much more without doing something that would hurt a lot of people.
how do i make up for so many wasted years? how is it even remotely possible? and why? so i can pay off my bills and buy a house out in some remote area where i can just be depressed all by myself?
i am dieting and have lost 9 pounds. that is a good thing. but, what for? cyn is 100 pounds lighter than i am and she has back problems, so what the fuck makes me think that if i lose the weight i will be all physically good again.
shari is dictating my journal entry now.
my knees are bad, i have trouble getting up and down to low seats (couch, toilet!) my skin has little or no elasticity left, i can't afford reconstructive surgery, i want a man, but don't think i can score one the way i am now and, really, by the time i lose the weight i want to lose, who will be available to me or want me?
30 did not hit me hard. 27.5 was the shits. and here i am again, 20 years later, at 47.5 and 50 is just looming over me and taunting me! it is so depressing.
and add to that the fact that i am 47.5 and hae nothing to speak of. no home, no kids, no love, no career, no savings, no nothing. the age is not my fault, but the rest of it most certainly IS.
i will probably be getting my divorce decree this month. and that fuck wad is on my mind a lot. i am still mad. i am. i wish i weren't. i should not be. i was so done with his bullshit, lying, cheating, avoiding... but i am still mad. i should give myself credit for being the one to leave, he wasn't going to kick me out. so i made the decision, but i guess i am mad because he pushed me into it. i did it in response to his shit.
i have so many memories. so much wasted time and emotion. both of those are my fault. but i have not learned from my mistakes. is it too late? why is change of this nature so fucking hard? i want to call him and tell him off again. but to what end? none. he does not care. he probably never did. and his life is what he has made it just as mine is. i hope his shit catches up with him someday. i hope mine already has, because i don't know if i could take much more without doing something that would hurt a lot of people.
how do i make up for so many wasted years? how is it even remotely possible? and why? so i can pay off my bills and buy a house out in some remote area where i can just be depressed all by myself?
posted by Unknown at 9:25 PM
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