yeah

obviously it has been a very long time since i wrote here. i have not been writing in the paper journal either. i feel vaguely bad that i am not writing, but apparently not bad enough to do anything about it. (my ears just did a funky switch-over/howling sound thing. weird.)

it would appear that one of my biggest problems is that i feel bad about things, but not bad enough to DO anything about them. for more than about an hour or a day or something. definitely not enough time to fix anything. or, really even to figure anything out.

the post is doing a biggest loser thing. it officially starts on june 4 and goes through september 4. there is an initial and a final physical fitness assessment. oh, goodie. pushups. not that i will suffer any penalty for not doing any or any situps, but it just brings back too many memories of the army. there is a 10 dollar entrance fee and the person who loses the largest percentage of weight will win the money. i am not in it for the money. don't think i can win and don't care. if i can lose another 50 pounds it will be an individual win for me.

i have decided to do the 6 week body makeover plan. it is a kit and plan i got online. shari and some people did it a couple of years ago and had good success and results so i decided to try it for this competition.

i like that the exercises are somewhat personalized to my body and not just a generic exercise. michael thurmond (the founder/inventer/whateverer) shows how by doing an exercise a certain way the results are different from doing it another way. example: doing the full motion of leg curls or leg extensions makes the muscle bulky, i am bulky enough, so i will do a quarter of the motion to lengthen the muscle rather than build it up. i like that! nobody ever showed me that before.

i planned to start the eating plan yesterday, but ended up only following it for 2/3 of the day/meals. it is a plan of 6 small meal/snacks per day. i did the first four and then went to the country house for an absolutely delicious blt salad. man oh man was it good! then i had a large amount of some trail mix left from trader joe's and i scarfed that down. should not have, but did. with the excuse/explanation that this way it would not tempt me for the next 6 weeks. whatever.

the night before i had shari take my before pics in bra and boy-cut panties. ohmygod. i am very good at hiding my body in the clothes i wear. i had a little melt-down after the pictures were printed. was very much hating myself and wanted to break some stuff and generally was hating life vehemently. god. i am glad and not glad at the same time that i did not take this type of picture when i was 40 pounds heavier.

aside: hot tea makes me feel dehydrated, but iced tea does not. why is that?

another aside: i have the ingrown toenail from hell. the worst one i have ever had. i don't know if i am going to be able to take care of it myself or if i will have to submit to a doctor's ministrations and get a needle of novacain slammed into my toe! eek. at this point i could not put on running shoes and go for an all-important walk. and i need to do that for this lifestyle change plan, dude.

i am so depressed

i am so fucking depressed. and i just don't even know what to do about it. it is things like no job, my weight and my age. ok, two i can do something about, but one i can't. and i am not happy about it.

i am dieting and have lost 9 pounds. that is a good thing. but, what for? cyn is 100 pounds lighter than i am and she has back problems, so what the fuck makes me think that if i lose the weight i will be all physically good again.

shari is dictating my journal entry now.

my knees are bad, i have trouble getting up and down to low seats (couch, toilet!) my skin has little or no elasticity left, i can't afford reconstructive surgery, i want a man, but don't think i can score one the way i am now and, really, by the time i lose the weight i want to lose, who will be available to me or want me?

30 did not hit me hard. 27.5 was the shits. and here i am again, 20 years later, at 47.5 and 50 is just looming over me and taunting me! it is so depressing.

and add to that the fact that i am 47.5 and hae nothing to speak of. no home, no kids, no love, no career, no savings, no nothing. the age is not my fault, but the rest of it most certainly IS.

i will probably be getting my divorce decree this month. and that fuck wad is on my mind a lot. i am still mad. i am. i wish i weren't. i should not be. i was so done with his bullshit, lying, cheating, avoiding... but i am still mad. i should give myself credit for being the one to leave, he wasn't going to kick me out. so i made the decision, but i guess i am mad because he pushed me into it. i did it in response to his shit.

i have so many memories. so much wasted time and emotion. both of those are my fault. but i have not learned from my mistakes. is it too late? why is change of this nature so fucking hard? i want to call him and tell him off again. but to what end? none. he does not care. he probably never did. and his life is what he has made it just as mine is. i hope his shit catches up with him someday. i hope mine already has, because i don't know if i could take much more without doing something that would hurt a lot of people.

how do i make up for so many wasted years? how is it even remotely possible? and why? so i can pay off my bills and buy a house out in some remote area where i can just be depressed all by myself?

update, or here we go again, maybe?

i just have not done this forever. i have been writing a bit in my paper journal, but not here.

i lost the cables to charge up my digital camera. then i found the cables and now have misplaced my camera! grrrr. it makes it a bit difficult to post the art that i AM doing.

been doing a lot of postcard RAKs and swaps. it would be nice to take pics of the work i am doing. there has only been one book, so far, that i worked in and was not able to photograph. of course, i always forget about the fact that i actually could scan things?! sheesh. i suppose i should put my postcard work in here, if nothing else. give someone who falls in here something pretty to look at. or not, their decision.

hmmm. grandma. not good. every time i think of it i try to ask her god to do whatever it is she wants. let her go, get better, whatever, up to the two of them. the letters cyn and i have gotten from leslie are sad and depressing. i just want her to be happy and get what she wants. leslie says that she usually doesn't even know who people are. i just hope she is in a happy place and not a sad scary one.

that is something i have thought aobut for a long time: if people are not in the here and now, i hope that they are at least somewhere happy. nicholas sparks' notebook was a story of a woman with alzheimers and she cried almost all the time. that is the exact opposite of what i wish for people. any people.

and then i forgot this was connected online and left it sitting for many hours.

more later.

and for the proof?

Schoolyard BullyYou are 28% Rational, 57% Extroverted, 71% Brutal, and 42% Arrogant.
You are the Schoolyard Bully! You focus more on feelings than rationality, and thus tend to be driven by your emotions rather than by a steering wheel, because human beings don't have those. You are probably easy to anger or annoy, for instance. You are also an extrovert who wouldn't mind having a lot of attention, although you may not always get it. Another character trait you possess is your brutality, manifested by the fact that you tend to be aggressive and do not care about the well-being of others. Also, you exhibit signs of humility, leading one to conlude that you are actually insecure, because very few people are truly humble AND brutal. Thus, like any schoolyard bully, you seek constant attention for yourself and have no issues with administering beatings because you are quite emotional and easy to upset. Not only that, but your insecurity may be a prime motivation for your brutality. As psychologists have noted, most schoolyard bullies only pick on others because they have a negative self-image. This could possibly be true of you. In short, your personality defects are your brutality, extroversion, irrationality, and your possible insecurity. Go pick on someone your own size! But not me. I'm a midget, I swear.
To put it less negatively:
1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.
2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.
3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.
4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.
Compatibility:
Your exact opposite is the Haughty Intellectual. (Bullies like to beat up nerds, after all.)
Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Bitch-Slap, the Capitalist Pig, and the Class Clown.
*
*
If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.
The other personality types:
The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

am i what i hate in others, only seeing things my way?

man, i think i am. in way more ways than i would like.

i tried explaining this theory to v and d at work the other day and if they had been honest they would have been sitting there with their mouths 1/2 open drooling. that is how much they did NOT get it. i am not very deep, and i get it, so how hard can it be?

so, yesterday we were having trouble with one of our software applications. it kept booting us out. and someone says, "well, if you have too many im windows open it uses up too much memory and blahblahblah." and the day the coffee overflowed AGAIN, "well, this never happens at home." oh, do you have the same maker at home? "no, but it has always happened here no matter what type we have and you guys put too much coffee in the filter blahblahblah."

this person has an answer (a seemingly bullshit answer, mind you) for every single defugelty imaginable! shut up! shit happens. you don't have to explain it to us. you don't have to have an answer.

and so i am now wondering if this is something i do. yeeks. i hope not. or at least i hope that if i have, nobody is remembering it like i am with these situations. please forgive me. maybe this falls in the category of things where a person should keep their mouths shut and appear stupid rather than open it and prove it conclusively once and for all!

i wish i could tune people out. but it seems that i hear everything that bugs the crap out of me. i want to shake people and scream, "shut up! do you have any idea how you sound?" and why do people in your personal life put up with that crap?

and i don't want to be one of those people.

i don't want to be so easily bugged. but i am. and if i were perfect, it would (maybe) make more sense. help!

2006!

happy new year.

this has got to be better than last year.

wade just called and said that corporal is dead. wade thinks he tried to follow the truck and got hit and killed. that sucks.

wade also said that 2005 was bad because he "dismantled my marriage." well, if it was that much of a blow or whatever, maybe you could DO something about it?

he also totaled the durango recently and had to get a new chevy tahoe.

but he did say that things with natalie are "ok, i guess." i think he just doesn't want to be single and this is a good way to be single and involved at the same time. with her being in georgia, if he is telling the truth about that, that is.

and i am certainly the one to talk about doing something about things we are unhappy with/about. (heavy sarcasm.) sheesh. i guess i am all about someone else doing the work and me receiving the benefits.

well, i guess i just had to write for a minute.

whining

it all starts with a partially overheard conversation between a male and a female coworker. and just goes the fuck downhill from there.

i spoke with wade the other night about his rolling of the durango. i kept wanting to say, i love you. but the honest fact is that i don't! haven't for a while. i am pretty sure i did at one time.

and then talking with vib this morning about relationships and stuff. how she misses certain things about her ex-boyfriend, but not enough to go back. and i mentioned that wade was funny, then i had to admit it was only funny for a few minutes since his (and my) humor is based in sarcasm, and his was mostly based on julietissostupid. and i have fallen into that type of relationship before and don't want to be there again.

and then vib asked what i am looking for in a man. well, i don't know. she says i must know. i tell her i can tell her 48 miles of list of things i don't want, but not what i do. and i know this is not good. i should know what i do want. as well as what i don't. and then she says, well, nobody is perfect, you know. are your don't wants unresasonable? i don't think so.

no teeth rotting out of their heads in a stinky manner, no cheating, no stealing... not unrealistic at all, in my opinion. not a drug or alcohol abuser.

and i am on the verge of crying and i hate that. i don't know if it is the lack of happy drugs or the fact i might be pmsing or just what, but i hate it. i want to be happy. yeahyeahyeah, i know i am the only one who controls my feelings and such, but fuck! sometimes it is just hard to pull myself out of the funk.
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in other news, i am completely dissatisfied with all the forms of eye makeup remover i own at this time. none work like i want them to. even my favorite! what is up with that?

my skin has been an oil slick for a couple weeks now. i could not keep it from shining if my very life depended on it! again, what is up with that??

i can't seem to get back on the WW wagon. i gained 2.x pounds last week ( i think it was actually a two week gain that just didn't catch up with me in a timely manner)! and i just can't get back in the groove. i ate 6 little pancakes this morning. with butter. knowing full well that my stomach is not happy right now! i almost exploded (felt like i was gonna, anyway), this ayem (thanks Shelly for "ayem." love it and am using it as you can plainly see. you use some other cool made up words, but i will only borrow this one.) so, i am still abusing my body badly.

i think about going to the gym almost every day. and don't go. cuz i'd rather go home and sit on the bed and crochet and watch movies on tv. or anything but work on my body. and then i start to get down on myself about not exercising because people who exercise can eat more and stay skinny, but i am seriously of the belief that it is the FOOD part of diet and exercise that makes all the difference. i could exercise from here to eternity and not change my body at all. ok, MUCH. but if i eat waaaaaaaay less, i can change my body in a very obvious way. so then i decide not to beat myself up, much, about the gym thing. and i also have my future involvement with bsah to consider. if i get into that i certainly won't be able to work out after work because i will be doing that. fuckfuckfuck.

it is hate fat juliet day, folks. fuckfuckfuck.